Sleep?

When did the last time I sleep for 8 hours straight? I guess during my high school years. After that my sleeping hours goes haywire. Hahaha.. But I don't regret it.

1) During university years... Can't sleep because I miss my late mom whom passed away in 2001. And I really make use of it. I studied a lot. Well I can say I took advantage of the situation...

2) When I started work..... because I worries so much. I can't sleep whenever my tasks are not settled or whenever I face roadblocks during task completion.

3) When I get married.... because we are long distance lovers. So when we get married I got transferred closer to him and we just enjoy late night outings to compensate the 4 years of long distance relationship.

4) When I have kids..... and till the time i'm writing this, two of my kids are still awake!

Well, I guess I need to keep fit and stay healthy. For more happy years to come!

#Mommy really need to train you to sleep dearies. :-D

Hati Seorang Ibu

Arwah mak meninggal pada tahun 2000. Usianya baru 38 tahun. Tak cecah 40 tahun pun. Yup I miss her so much.

Sekarang aku pula seorang ibu. Ibu kepada 3 hero cilik. Cabarannya hanya ALLAH yang tahu. Namun tak kira macamanapun, kasih sayang tetap mendahului segalanya.

Malam ini, aku ingin bercerita tentang hati seorang ibu. Yang aku cuba fahami. Betapa besar kasihnya kepada anak2 namun anak2 enggan memahami. Malah diambil kesempatan ke atas si ibu. Yang paling menyayangi ibu pula hidupnya seolah terbuang. Jauh daripada keluarga. Seakan membawa diri. Namun tetap berhubung atas dasar kasih seorang anak.

Ya, mungkin yang dekat merasa terbeban. Ya, mungkin yang dekat merasakan mereka berhak. Ya, mungkin yang bijak pandai merasakan mereka hebat berhujah sehingga hati ibu terluka.

Tapi jangan kau lupa tangan siapa yang mengasuhmu. Jangan kau lupa, tulang empat kerat siapa yang mencari rezeki untukmu. Dan jangan buat2 lupa kudrat siapa yang kau kerahkan.

Anak2 yang bijak, jangan lupa hukum ALLAH. Apabila kau ambil kesempatan atas kudrat dan kasih ibumu. Jangan kau lupa siksaan neraka, apabila kau ambil kesempatan atas kekurangan ibumu.

Jadi, apalah salahnya ibumu menegur dan membebel? Apa salahnya ibumu meminta sesuatu untul disempurnakan? Apalah sangat penatmu jika dibandingkan dengan penatnya dia mengasuhmu sehingga dewasa dan berjaya?

Ingatlah anak2 yang bijak dan pandai, jangan kau menangis apabila ibumu sudah tiada. Ketahuilah masanya sudah terhad. Dan apakah kau ingin menderhaka di penghujung masa? Simpanlah airmata palsumu. Sebab semasa hayatnya kamu hanya menyakitinya.

Ketahuilah, sungguh ibumu tidak berpelajaran, sungguh ibumu tersenyum walau apapun kau lakukan kepadanya, kasih sayangnya tidak pudar. Walau sedikit. Tapi hati kecilnya sengsara siapa yang tahu. Dan janji ALLAH itu pasti.

Bertaubatlah sebelum terlambat.

#SayangIbu.

REALITI DALAM SEBUAH PERKAHWINAN 002

Ikut statistik, antara punca utama berlakunya penceraian adalah disebabkan duit. Duit, duit, di mana kau duit????? Aku perlu akui, dugaan terbesar kami adalah pengurusan kewangan atau duit. Yang kesiannya bukan salah En. Hubby tapi silap aku yg rajin sangat buat pinjaman peribadi dolu2. Sekarang menyesal tak sudah namun hutang perlu dibayar. Echewah. Barulah gentleman. Kannn.. Namun dari satu segi, ia peluang terbaik untuk mengajar anak2 untuk bersederhana.

Antara perkara yang aku perlu syukuri adalah, en. Hubby yg sentiasa mengimbangi aku. Yelah kekadang tu panas jugak dia dengan aku tapi kesabarannya sangat tinggi. Sapa kenal aku tahulerrr mcmana. ahahahaha....

Sekarang kami mmg hidup dalam kesederhanaan. Dan aku belajar jugakla berkuntau di dapur. Hahaha... Nasib baik arwah mak strict dulu. Benarlah setiap perkara ada hikmahnya. Sekarang kami sedang berusaha untuk neutralkan balik kesilapan2 yg aku buat dulu. In sha ALLAH. Chaiyok2.

5 Years To Fulfill

My mom passes away at the age of 38. She's battling cancer for 8 years before ALLAH invites her to HIS Jannah. And now I'm 33.

I have a loving husband and three beautiful sons. I have great friends and a hell of a career. And my family, my whole extended family who always loves me no matter what happens. But I'm preparing myself for 5 years to come. Definitely I'm not a fortuneteller to foretell my future especially my death due date. But just to be safe, I'll ensure that I've settled most things before I reached 38 yo.

I'll dedicate special entries to people I care because I've hurt them, a lot all this time. I have my weaknesses but I need to tell them how special they are and I really love them. I guess I need to start early so I can manage writing it all.

Domestic Conversation

A little bit here, a little bit there. Well, I have to admit my husband is unique. For one, he's not the romantic type since our dating days. But he always intrigued me with what his next action would be. And I have to admit, I'm not an easy woman to handle. At work, my male colleagues often complained about my manly attitude, and they puzzled how I got married in the first place. Hahahaha... I've got to say I respect my husband for domesticating me, plus thanks to my father and mother also for their great upbringing. Haha.

Domestic conversation is normal in most homes. But recently I've discovered that ours is totally different from other people. Of course there are times we have the usual how's your day, so on and so forth, which normally doesn't need to be asked because the moment we see each other, both of us will burst with a train of events whatever happens on that day. After that we will be bustling with household chores, me with kitchen and laundry and him with the children. Finishing dinner and chores, then our conversation starts. The real one. The one discussing about Muslim history, about the world economy, about political views, about human nature and almost about everything on earth. We even discussed about whether the earth is oval or flat! Then we discover, the more we interact the more our children interact with us.

At first I thought it's normal. But then I realised that I actually gain more knowledge from my husband everyday! Which makes me respect him more. Haha. Whenever I heard my friends complaining how boring their spouses are, I can't help to think that how lucky I am to have a unique relationship with my husband. And I've learned a lot also.

You see, marriage is not a one way communication. I'll say that we also didn't start greatly as expected yet we strive hard to make it work. Similar to other husbands and wives, we had wasted few years trying to live the ideal marriage as pictured by the media and the society. After having two kids, we gave up the ideals and just live as we please.

So instead focusing on meeting the society expectations, we build up our own ideals. We create our stories. We shares our interest. And mind you, we are totally two different person. Instead of forcing one another to accept each other we just go with the flow. He does what he wants and I'll follow him. I do what I want and he follows me. And of course in between we have to draw the boundary, as he's still my husband and I'm still his wife.

As our marriage progresses, I do pray that we will continue striving for our marriage and will not give up easily on each other. Because I understand the marriage challenges are tough and it will come unexpectedly to test the strength of our marriage. May Allah protect my husband and kids and May we always be in his blessings. Aamiin.

Love

Aku suka ngaco hasbenku. Hahaha... Akan ada malam2 tertentu pada setiap bulan aku xpat tido. And yg kesiannya hasben aku akan terganggu juak tidonya. Mcm biasalah, nama kita yg dah beranak pinak tok, everyday lives nang tiring. Dan jrg ada masa bersama. Especially mun hasben sik romantik. So, mgkin sebab sikap aku sendiri atau apa, aku proaktif dlm hal2 mcm tok. Hehehe... Not sure betulka sik apa diplh tok but life is more than sex right?

F.E.A.R

I'm afraid. I'm truly afraid. Because I don't want to become the person who betray my family. I don't want to become the bad mommy. I don't want to become the disrespectful wife. And I don't want to disgrace my family.

I need to change. Change my attitude. Change my ways. And pray hard to get away from my current workplace. It suffocates me. And it hurts seeing the drama around me.

What's wrong being sincere? What's wrong being kind? What's wrong being loyal to our family? I don't want to be like them. And if it can't be changed, then the best way is to move away.

I love my family. I love my life. And I'm not gonna screw it for anyone else. #pleasebestrongmyself.

Adultery

Kenapa tajuk post dalam English? Sebab kalo tulis dalam bahasa melayu terasa terlalu dekat berlaku di sekitar. Kalo dalam English, rasa macam berlaku kat luar negara je.

Aku tak sure apa yg aku buat betul atau tidak. The truth is, aku cuba menyelamatkannya tetapi segalanya atas diri sendiri sahaja. Aku cuba menjadi sahabat yang baik tetapi nampaknya aku gagal.

Secara general, aku pun bukannya sempurna. Aku pernah membuat kesilapan. Namun, aku berpegang pada satu perkara yg aku belajar dalam kehidupan. Jangan benarkan diri walau untuk berfikir untuk curang. Fokus kepada keluarga. Aku pun xpasti sejauh mana kesetiaan suami kepada aku. Cuma apa yang penting, aku setia. Aku setia kepadanya. Aku setia kepada ALLAH dengan menjaga maruahku.

Aku sedih, benar2 sedih melihat sahabatku. Dan kesian kerana dia berkali2 cuba menegakkan benang yang basah. Membina penipuan demi penipuan. Sahabat, aku doakan agar engkau bertaubat. Aku akan terus cuba menjadi sahabat yang menyokongmu.

Dan aku, aku sentiasa mendoakan agar ALLAH sentiasa menetapkan hatiku. Sekurang2nya untuk taat kepadaNYA dan sentiasa mempercayai qada dan qadarNYA. Hanya ALLAH sebaik2 perancang.

Me and world.

Totally My Own Personal Opinion

Adat berumahtangga, opkos nak anak2. Bila dah ada anak2, kena dua2 bekerjasama mendidik dan menjaga anak2. Dah namanya berkeluarga bukan setakat bagi nafkah duit, makan minum, antar anak ke sekolah dan buat anak je. Kena jugak spend time dengan anak2. Berkomunikasi dengan budak2. Bukannya biarkan budak2, larang itu ini then sebok belek handphone. Ko ingat apa?
Budak2 perlu dididik dengan betul. Diajar dengan baik. Bukan diugut sana sini. Bukan dibiarkan dengan handphone. Budak2 will always be budak2. Jadi ibu bapa kena bagi contoh yang baik. Jangan ingat sedap nak buat anak je pastu buat bodo tak reti jaga anak!

Ramadhan, Aidilfitri and Me

Nothing much to share or write. Its just that, I miss my hometown.

Menjelang Ramadhan

Sekejap lagi, bangkit sahur. So disebabkan tak dapat tido selepas tragedi memaksa anak2 tido pada jam 2 pagi, natijahnya terosss tak dapat tido.

Ada kisah di sebalik ramadhan ini. Kerana dalam bulan ramadhan aku mengalami keguguran kandungan yang pertama. Aku percaya dan redha ada Hikmah disebaliknya. Cuma masih terhijab dariku.

Sebenarnya sebelum puasa dah detect pregnant. Tapi sebab sendiri2, hasben jauh dan takde ilmu ( arwah mak meninggal pada tahun 2001) maka aku taktau apa nak buat. Jadi pada 13 September 2009,  aku menjalani D&C akibat keguguran. Dari satu segi, aku yakin ada tersirat perancangan yang lebih baik dariNYA. Mungkin ada kekurangan dan kelemahan dariku, yg lalai terhadapNYA atau teraniayakan makhlukNYA. SesungguhNYA ALLAH Maha Mengetahui.

Apapun, aku redha. Dan hanya pada tahun ini, aku menamakan anak syurgaku Siti Khadijah. Meskipun aku keguguran pada 8 minggu kehamilan, namun atas asbab sains, iaitu kromosom XY dan X, maka aku namakannya sempena nama wanita kesayangan Rasulullah. Sedih takyah ceritalah. Namun mcm aku cakap tadi, ALLAH adalah sebaik2 perancang.

Apapun, hero2 dah tido, makanya bangkitlah aku untuk menyediakan sahur. Salam Ramadhan semua....

Satu Pengajaran

Hari ini aku belajar satu pengajaran yang memberi impak maksima kepada aku. Hahahaha. Okeh, deep impact la. Dulu2 masa kita kecik2 ada belajar dalam buku teks Bahasa Melayu, kisah seorang bapa yang mendamaikan pergaduhan kedua dua anaknya dengan sekotak mancis. Means bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita roboh. Realitinya sekarang kita sedang bercerai berai. Kita lebih memandang orang luar Dan membiarkan orang luar mempertuankan kita. Amat menyedihkan.

Enriching Myself

Recent events had gotten me thinking. It is time for me to start enriching my life. And I really love to do so by sharing things that I know. Maybe I'll learn something new. Maybe I can determine where my passion really is. For all I've known, I'm jack of all trade. I've done a lot of things without really focusing on what I really love. I just love trying things out. As my age progresses, it's time for me to be more specific on what I wanna do.

For a long time, I've been thinking to create a blog that can be a source of reference for students. I guess I'll do so. Wish me luck ya.

Not A Typical Malay Lady

Where should I start? Hmmmm..... Lately I've been observing women behavior and social trend and also reading the writings in social media. And what I've seen is women around the world becoming more independent, bold and self sufficient. Not to mention, more confident. Kudos.

And as opposed to some beliefs, women nowadays embrace education and men, becoming more and more supportive to women. This is a good sign. Though I do acknowledged that in some places, women are still oppressed, yet it is undeniable that the growing numbers of educated and independent women signifies a change occurs. And the world will embrace it whether they like it or not.

And I, I am a Malay lady. To the eyes of the society, I have standards to uphold, religion to practice and traditions to embrace. As Malay lady is often portrayed as soft spoken, feminine, mild, kind, passive, hardworking, respect others and obedient.

But me, except for being kind and respect others, quite the contrary. I'm aggressive, I stand equal to my men subordinates at work, I voiced out my opinion and my husband team up with me managing our home and kids. I have zero tolerance on bullying or violence and I can't stand betrayal or unfair treatment to others. I can even debate with my men counterparts and my discussions with my husband are often on heavy subjects which most people won't believe that we are merely discussing it for fun. Hahahaha.

Yes, I'm not a typical Malay lady. My men colleagues can't even understand how my husband can stand me (actually I'm quite different at work as compared to at home. Hehehe). But, being so doesn't permit me to be rude. Or in Malay, kurang ajar. I may not embrace everything written on the tradition book yet I still uphold my standards, merely because I'm a human being. Yes. I respect others because I want to be respected. I'm not rude because I can't tolerate rudeness. And I do so because I'm human.

Being dumb and respecting others are two different things. Being dumb and being patient also are two different things. I respect my husband because he earned my respect. He worth it. And although I'm quite aggressive at work, I still respect my colleagues.

Thus, being not a typical Malay lady doesn't permit me to be rude or disrespect others. Instead its only an evolution of Malay ladies towards betterment and improvements without sacrificing the standards that we uphold.

So ladies, let's rock and roll!

21 May 2016
23.23

REALITI DALAM SEBUAH PERKAHWINAN 001

Hahahaha... tajuk post yang bikin nervous. Lately ni aku banyak membuat perbandingan. Tettttt! Bukan bandingkan en. suami dengan orang lain tetapi membandingkan realiti dan teori berkenaan perkahwinan. Selalunya aku berpikir pelik2 nih time cuci pinggan dan lipat baju. Sebab ambik masa kan nak buat dua bende alah ni so otak pon sempatla menerawang jauhhhhhhh....

Realitinya surviving marriage bukan mudah. Sebab apa aku cakap bukan mudah, sebab banyak faktor mempengaruhi. Silap-silap boleh buat SWOT Analysis. Bukan setakat nak terima kelebihan dan kekurangan pasangan seadanya, tapi it's so much more than that. Dan sejujurnya, nak survive tahun ke tahun tu pun bukan senang tau! Sebenarnya lebih senang uruskan kerja di pejabat daripada menguruskan perkahwinan.

Namun, aku sukaaaa sangat berpegang kepada satu perkataan yang belajar daripada buku Ustaz Hasrizal. Tak ingat dah nama buku. Bahawa setiap insan (bukan manusia yek, aku guna istilah insan menggambarkan individu yang punya perasaan dan hatiperut) miliki IHSAN. Dan bahawa cinta, kecantikan, sayang dan lain2 boleh pudar dengan masa namun IHSAN adalah anugerah ALLAH yang paling bermakna, Perkataan omputeh paling dekat adalah appreciate. Namun IHSAN sebenarnya lebih mendalam dan lebih bermakna daripada menghargai.

Apabila duduk sebumbung, kita akan hadap segalanya. Bukan pasangan saja, malah seluruh pakej kehidupan pasangan. Nantilah ada masa aku kupas lagi yek.

Tapi aku nak ingatkan, bukan aku nak buka pekung di dada or nak mengajar cara hidup bahagia. Oh No! Jauh sekali. Aku cuma nak kasik can adik2 yang lena diulit romantika untuk membuat pertimbangan sewajarnya sebelum terjun sebarangan ke alam perkahwinan. Dan segala yang tercatat adalah pandangan peibadi aku secara keseluruhannya. Tidak berkaitan dengan siapa2. 

Dua pendekar dah ngantok tapi gagah bersilat. Si kecik kat dalam pulak lapar. So akan bersambung ke entri lain la yek. Kalo aku rajin arrrrr.... Hahahahaha

18 Mei 2016

11.42 malam.

The anger, disappointment and unfair.

Can't sleep tonight. For I'm feeling unfair and disappointed. Which led to anger. Which I dislike. Not to mention feeling betrayed and at the meantime also feeling guilty. I've my weaknesses and I really much disliked being taken advantage on. I do wonder why some people so hell bent just to show off how good they are but at the meantime pretending that they couldn't care less. And I'm sick and tired of people busy investigating my whereabouts when actually there are people who actually absent from work more frequent than I am. What are they trying to prove? I feel betrayed when one of my trusted colleagues doing so. When the person provokes the sense of disbelieve among my subordinates. For what purpose? If you are the star, so be it. If you crave for attention, I couldn't care less. If you want to be boss favourite's just take it all. I'm not interested in all that. Just take it all. So I guess I'm starting to burn bridges now. And washing my hands off. And I'm not going to be the way I was again. And for the people I've intended, I hope all of you are happy, as happy as you can be. Please, unlike some of you, I do know that I can survive almost everywhere. So it doesn't matter. Thus please, don't think I'm like you bcoz I'm not.